Super Cool Madden '09 Unlockable Characters

Hooray! Madden '09 is close to being released. I can't wait to get it for the awesome high-definition game play, improved gang tackling, realistic fatigue, field goal nets, upgraded motion-capture system, passing cone, updated rosters.

One of the best features of sports video games (besides creating yourself in the game and fulfilling all your childhood dreams while you prepare for your next day of work faxing T.P.S. reports to headquarters) is the Unlockable Characters features. It all started in NBA Jam for Sega, where after you pressed a sequence of 52 buttons and lit yourself on fire during the team selection menu, you could unlock Bill Clinton or Ted Kaczynski.

Da Great White Hype was able to contact EA Sports and get the super-secret list of unlockable characters...

1. Philadelphia Eagles Turnstyle



After Winston Justice's first start in the NFL (in which he played matador to Osi Umenyiora of the Giants, allowing 6 sacks), the folks at Madden have created the unlockable feature of the Turnstyle to substitute for Justice. To unlock the Turnstyle, all you have to do is catch a pass from Donovan McNabb that is thrown at your ankles. Not only will the turnstyle allow McNabb to have another precious second to release a pass, but it will actually not count against the salary cap at all, since it requires no money to eat, drink, or to buy jewelry or weed.

2. Abortion Doctor/Drug Dealer



Even though he is suspended for a year, you could unlock this feature in Franchise Mode, when you can pick up free-agent Travis Henry after his punishment is lifted by Rodger Goodell next year.

To unlock this feature, have your team average under 3.5 yards per carry combined with your first-round draft pick being a huge bust. Desperate times call for desperate measures...and you will be forced to sign the hydroponic running back, who also sports Shawn Kemp-like numbers (9 children from 9 different women, 18 ppg, 8 rebounds). But in order for him to stay on your team, you will have to have a character on the sidelines at all time with a dimebag and a wire hanger, ready for when Travis Henry needs a quick hit/termination of pregnancy.

3. Clipboard with Hand Warmers



One day after reportably asking for an unconditional release from Green Bay, the Packers have counteroffered with allowing Brett Favre to come back to the Pack...but only as a backup to Aaron Rodgers. This scenario seems highly unlikely to occur. But if he was to return as second fiddle, it would only be a matter of time until Rodgers was Nancy Kerrigan'd by one of the cheeseheads to allow the text-messaging gunslinger to start again.

So during those below freezing games on the frozen tundra, Aaron Rodgers will need something to keep those paws toasty while he reads off plays that he though he would be running since May. Unlock this feature by pressing up, down, RT, LT, down while you run out of the tunnel on opening day with Aaron Rodgers, to make him tear up while he gets booed by the Lambeau crowd, causing his eye black to run down his face.

4. The Garbage Picking, Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon



This Unlockable Character is based off the 1998 made-for-tv movie starring Tony Danza who portrays "a Philadelphia garbageman who develops leg muscles from kicking the hydraulic lever on his truck" who is subsequently discovered by the Eagles and signed to be their kicker.

This character brings to the team a rating of 97 for leg strength, a 93 on accuracy, and a 100 for hope. Unlock this character by unearthing the decayed carcass of Barbaro and adding the cooked horsemeat to some Campbell's chunky soup, which will be distributed to the Eagles by Miss McNabb.