Prom Draft 2007

This year's draft was a lot like my prom junior year of high school. My high school was pretty small, so there was a fair chance for fat dudes to still pick a winner. Plus, like in this year's draft, there were a few hot choices out there, with some underclassmen thrown in the mix. First, some intro info:

1. For those of you unfamiliar with the NFL Draft (women), the draft occurs in april before the season where NFL teams select college players they would like on their team. Usually the teams with the shittiest records from the previous season pick earlier than the better teams, but this can be disrupted with trades of players or picks for other picks. So, for example, last year, the Oakland Raiders were as good as a bunch of quadrapuligics playing Nintendo Wii. So this year, they had the first pick, as the draft order is determined by record.

2. But unlike the draft, in real life, dudes like Landon Donovan, Daniel Baldwin, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas get the first picks of the hot girls. Throw that out the window for now.

3. As for prom, the motto for the draft which usually is the most successful is go with the safe pick. This will be explained quite shortly.

Here we go. I know im going to get in troble for this. whatever.


Prom Draft 2002, Junior Year

I had an early choice in 2002. Not cause I was as super hot as I am now with a really good personality and a BLOG THAT MAKES THE PANTIES DROP. Mainly, just because I picked early, so my choice didn't take a freefall to some underserving dude. In junior year, I was sorta cool, like a B. I was skinny and on the golf team, but my friends were cool and I did a lot of crunches. Anyways, I was still kinda at the bottom, as my recent success didnt actually exist (See:Detroit Lions). So, on the board was the hot underclassmen who outperformed much of the talent that year. She, like Calvin Johnson, was a stud (no homo). Waiting any longer, she could have fell to anyone who wanted to pick her. But I made it loud and clear that she would go to me at number 2, even though I could have obtained a great trade package most likely and gone with a safer pick.

What seemed like the steal of the draft ultimatly backfired. Sure, it looked great to have pictures like this to show off on the mantle, but the upsides were eventually turned away by the negatives. Just like Johnson, my date showed a "an inconsistent focus... [and]lapses of concentration with the untimely characteristic of dissappearing from big games" (from Scouts.com) as once we got to the prom, she went and chilled with some senior dudes. Oh well. But just as many busts tend to do, I had another high pick the next year.

There was another kid who had a high pick. She wasnt a five-star blue chipper like mine, but they were still in the same league. He wasn't as cool as me, but still hung around my friends. He never would be able to enjoy the success the rest of us had, and he would always be doomed to mediocraty (See:Arizona). In 2003, he selected his own OT Levi Brown from PSU. She, like Brown, moved up the boards, and had huge tits.

But then there was Miami. Miami was the cool kid in school. Flashy, drove a BMW, not known for sports as much as his lifestyle. Whenever you were going to a party, and you knew Miami was there, there were gona be hot chicks and coke. But when it came to Miami to take a pick, he chose TED GINN, JR?? What the fuck was he thinking? He could have landed Brady Quinn who was in a freefall like the bitch in the opening scene of Cliffhanger! Ted Ginn, Jr.??? Dude won't even be ready for training camp with the foot injury and isn't even projected to be a 2nd WR! Well, maybe it was smart on Miami's choice not to pick Quinn for prom, as she might have broken out like he did on draft day during prom like this:



Then there was Green Bay. Green Bay, like Brett Favre, was a senior, in what would most likely be his last year. He should have gone with the "Sexy" pick and gone out with a bang. At least, a hot WR to make sure you score, before you ride off into the graduation sunset. But no. Green Bay went with the girl that he had been with all along, like DT Justin Harrell. Ew. Having your parents see the ugly dog you were bring to prom that year must have been like the Green Bay GM calling up Brett and saying, sorry....no recievers this year. I'm sure he went back on the pain killers after that shit.

Then there was the kid who went with the smart, safe pick. He didn't go with the flashy, underclassman hottie like I did. Nope. He went with the girl that was cool and everyone liked her. She wasnt great looking, but put some eyeliner on, and heels, she wasn't half bad. This was like Buffalo's pick of PSU LB Paul Posluzsny. He doesn't have great speed, but he has the ability to make plays and is relentless in pursuit. While I was chillin alone eating my friend Brandon's cake while he wasn't looking (aka out of the playoffs), he and Poz were grinding on the dance floor to Sisqo's Thong Song or whatever (Confrence Championship Round I guess?).

So in conclusion...the draft is like prom. Prom is like life. If your going to pick the hot pick, look at the possible pitfalls and how much it will cost you in the long run. If you go with the safe pick, it won't cost you as much, at it could turn out to be a blossomer (or as my friends from WCHS might know her as Becky H).


P.S- Rangers and Yankees shit to come later tonight. holler.
P.P.S.- thanks again to everyone for the positive shiz on this blog. Especially to Matt McGyroball, who's take on Tom Brady's super sperm as him being "Especially good at the 2-minute drill."